How to Be a Girl: School
Essay and Advice, by 15 year old Twice Exceptional Girl & Elite Semi-Professional Athlete, with permission
“How are you a girl if you look like that?” Anna, one of my first middle school friends, confronted me with this question on my second day of seventh grade. Confused, I hesitated for a brief moment and walked away without giving a response. Like every other twelve-year-old in the world, I could not think of any plausible answer.
I couldn’t understand why it bothered her so much, but I must admit that she got me thinking. I had never enjoyed “feminine” things. I dressed the same as my best friend John, had my hair cut short, and preferred playing with my brother’s Hot Wheels than wasting my time dressing unrealistic Barbie dolls. I would rather have looked like a strong man than the skinny girl I was. So really, what made me a girl? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if I just said I was a boy? This was the beginning of my venture into the world of transgenderism.
Anna and I almost only ever had conversations revolving around gender. At lunch, she would show me videos of trans people explaining the symptoms of gender dysphoria and their experiences, many of which were parallel to mine. At night, she would occasionally text me a link to different forums, which eventually led me down the rabbit hole of the online transgender community. I turned to platforms like Youtube and Instagram for safe spaces. There were groups filled with people who shared the same feelings as I and identified as trans, non-binary, or anything else.
I submerged myself in the information they provided and their culture of “acceptance”, which I now would classify as social pressure. Every sign pointed me towards “becoming a boy”. Lacking proper critical thinking abilities, I started claiming this new identity.
I went by many different male names, none of which ever stuck, and started asking my friends to refer to me as he/him. I wanted to bind my chest and halt my development via puberty-blocking hormones. I wanted the body of a man.
Of course, such procedures required my parents’ approval, as I was still a financially dependent seventh-grader. I had read many things about “coming out”, but had no worries. My parents are supposed to help me through anything. Surely, this would be no exception. One day, I told my mum, who was busy filing. that I wanted to be a boy, and that I wanted her to book an appointment at the gender clinic for me. She immediately stopped her paperwork and took me on a walk.
During what felt like the longest walk of my life, I told her how I was so congruent with the portrait of a transgender person that there was no way it couldn’t be the case. The conclusion of that walk was that I was not near old enough to make such radical decisions and that I was still her daughter. This infuriated me. I had done so much research, talked with so many trans-identifying people, and genuinely believed that I was male at heart. She should have supported me, she was my mum!
Nevertheless, I persisted with my new identity for about a year, until I decided to change schools. Now in 8th grade and completely disconnected from my harmful friend group who harassed me about my identity and appearance, I was left in a bizarre grey area. I still identified as male, but deep down felt indifferent towards either gender.
I joined a girls’ sports team and made many female friends who included me as one of their own. I was surrounded by people who shared the same interests as me and accepted me regardless of my appearance. I saw women succeeding in the 2018 Olympics, giving me new female role models who made me realize that women can achieve anything men can.
Suddenly, being a girl became fun. I wanted to be a girl and was proud to be one. By the ninth grade, I was fully happy being myself and living my life as a young woman. I focused on the things I enjoyed, like playing sports and hanging out with my friends. Now, I realize that this is what 13-year-olds should be worried about— racing each other on bikes, scraping their knees on the cement, and conducting failed science experiments in their kitchen with baking soda and vinegar. Not developing depressive tendencies over deciding which pronouns they want to be referred to as.
Between all this, an extremely important event had taken place: I had become comfortable with my own body. I had struggled for nearly all my life with body image issues. I had a lanky build and had been bullied for it for most of my childhood. As I aged, my physical proportions finally became normal, and as I grew into an elite athlete, I cherished the physical capacities my body gave me. I found that my obsession with getting a male body slowly faded. Many girls who went through the same phase as me shared this experience. There are so many underlying factors that can contribute to the desire to transition, yet they are so often left unaddressed.
There is an exponential increase of girls about my age identifying as something other than cisgender. Unfortunately, this is accompanied by a frightening push from certain medical institutions to begin irreversible hormonal treatment as early as possible. The path to medical transition is often one-way: teenagers on puberty-blocking hormones can be offered cross-sex hormones as early as a year after they begin treatment. However, the vast majority, if not all of these girls suffer from mental health conditions. Transitioning is seen as a one-stop solution, but this is far from the case. These girls need help and therapy, but they are instead used as guinea pigs for endocrinological experimentation. Had I been given the opportunity, my younger self would have leaped at the opportunity to inject myself with puberty inhibitors or even testosterone as soon as possible. I would be left with a series of unwanted physical alterations and unknown long-term consequences.
Society has reached a conflict between trying to dismantle gender norms, all while pushing for medical diagnosis based on one’s diversion from stereotypical behavior. Why can we not just have masculine girls? What is so dishonorable with being a girl who enjoys playing video games, dressing in “boys’ clothing”, and dislikes makeup? We must let these girls be girls, for our interests and self-expression do not define our gender, and doing so may push young women into regrettable medical decisions. Most importantly, let girls have their childhood. Do not push them into the world of gender identity if they lack the maturity to navigate it.
END Notes: Client was comprehensively assessed and found to be Twice-Exceptional (Gifted & Talented, Autistic) and wrote this essay as a part of one of her school assignments. Client has de-transitioned, happy and headed for a future Olympics.