For me, the self-hatred really started to set in when I realized that Asperger's (and, before that, PCOS,) had closed the doors on the life I wanted. I wanted to get married and have kids, that's it. Nothing exciting or special. When, in 2000 in 10th grade, I realized that kids might not be something my body could do, I figured, "I'll just have to hope to find a husband who's willing to adopt." Fast forward 14 years and I'm realizing that I'm probably autistic, and then I read somewhere that something like 98% of high-functioning women, regardless of desires, never marry. THAT was when the self-hatred set in, when I realized that a genetic condition in which I had NO say and NO control over (and NO treatment for growing up, because 80s baby,) was going to cost me not everything, but everything I ever wanted. I'd give up the higher IQ, every "plus" others might see in my autism, just to not live alone, to not die alone. Nursing homes are often abusive enough environments; what will they be decades from now for an autistic woman with no spouse or children to advocate for her? I tremble at the thought...
I'm old enough (and stubborn enough,) that gender dysphoria wasn't ever an issue for me, though, even as a teen; instead of feeling "less female" because of autism specifically, the Asperger's allowed me to tell myself that *I* was the normal one and aaaaaaall of the other girls were the wrong and defective ones 🙄 (It wasn't until my 30s that I even realized that the things I hated about them were *why* they were married and I wasn't and am not.) The fact that PCOS couldn't fully "transition" my body to male was something that kept me SANE. Had PCOS had even the potential to fully "transition" my body, I don't know if I would've refused suicide's siren song... One condition kept me from looking sufficiently female to attract a husband; the other, "extreme male brain syndrome," and my presentation of Asperger's is VERY classically male, (what role the PCOS had in that being the case, only God knows,) so boys, and later on men, only ever treated me as their kid sister or, more often, one of the guys.
I hate myself because my SELF can't obtain the things she wants or desires in life, my SELF can barely hold a steady job, my SELF can barely function as an adult. (To say my apartment is abject squalor is an understatement; I've had multiple infestations of flies *just this year.*) I can leave puberty and all of the rest in the past; the worst parts of autism have been aging and watching my dreams die. If I could go back to that 15-year-old Muzical, whose "transition" to high school went about as well as a nuclear bomb going off, and tell her one thing, I'd tell her to give up on her hopes and dreams because she is unable to achieve them. The one thing she wanted that WAS achieved, a college degree, by the time it was obtained, it was no longer desired on any level, and it wasn't even useful, let alone helpful.
Sorry for the rambling, but I'm guessing your professional experience means you're used to it 😅
I love your writing. Thank you. Your work is one of the reasons my 16 year will get screened for Autism next week.
For me, the self-hatred really started to set in when I realized that Asperger's (and, before that, PCOS,) had closed the doors on the life I wanted. I wanted to get married and have kids, that's it. Nothing exciting or special. When, in 2000 in 10th grade, I realized that kids might not be something my body could do, I figured, "I'll just have to hope to find a husband who's willing to adopt." Fast forward 14 years and I'm realizing that I'm probably autistic, and then I read somewhere that something like 98% of high-functioning women, regardless of desires, never marry. THAT was when the self-hatred set in, when I realized that a genetic condition in which I had NO say and NO control over (and NO treatment for growing up, because 80s baby,) was going to cost me not everything, but everything I ever wanted. I'd give up the higher IQ, every "plus" others might see in my autism, just to not live alone, to not die alone. Nursing homes are often abusive enough environments; what will they be decades from now for an autistic woman with no spouse or children to advocate for her? I tremble at the thought...
I'm old enough (and stubborn enough,) that gender dysphoria wasn't ever an issue for me, though, even as a teen; instead of feeling "less female" because of autism specifically, the Asperger's allowed me to tell myself that *I* was the normal one and aaaaaaall of the other girls were the wrong and defective ones 🙄 (It wasn't until my 30s that I even realized that the things I hated about them were *why* they were married and I wasn't and am not.) The fact that PCOS couldn't fully "transition" my body to male was something that kept me SANE. Had PCOS had even the potential to fully "transition" my body, I don't know if I would've refused suicide's siren song... One condition kept me from looking sufficiently female to attract a husband; the other, "extreme male brain syndrome," and my presentation of Asperger's is VERY classically male, (what role the PCOS had in that being the case, only God knows,) so boys, and later on men, only ever treated me as their kid sister or, more often, one of the guys.
I hate myself because my SELF can't obtain the things she wants or desires in life, my SELF can barely hold a steady job, my SELF can barely function as an adult. (To say my apartment is abject squalor is an understatement; I've had multiple infestations of flies *just this year.*) I can leave puberty and all of the rest in the past; the worst parts of autism have been aging and watching my dreams die. If I could go back to that 15-year-old Muzical, whose "transition" to high school went about as well as a nuclear bomb going off, and tell her one thing, I'd tell her to give up on her hopes and dreams because she is unable to achieve them. The one thing she wanted that WAS achieved, a college degree, by the time it was obtained, it was no longer desired on any level, and it wasn't even useful, let alone helpful.
Sorry for the rambling, but I'm guessing your professional experience means you're used to it 😅